I Finished a Book
No jinxing.
Side note: I am ready for fall so where the heck is it??
Dear Readers,
OK fine I’m going to tell you… I finished my first draft of Out in Hollywood Book #4!! NO JINXING!!!!! What’s the jinxing for, you wonder, if the draft is finished. UM SO MANY THINGS. What if DropBox AND my laptop AND my desktop AND my dayjob PC all caught on fire at the same time??? What if my editor was like “ummmm this book has how many jokes about Yelp in the year of our lord 2024 to be released in 2026” (y’all there are so many jokes about Yelp, also, I am definitely the person who also put like eight jokes about Yelp in a script I cowrote with my screenwriting partner Jessie) “and therefore I am ripping up your contract”?? What if a cat ran across my keyboard and typed over all the words and then DropBox backed up THAT version to all of my computers??
So anyway I think it is PRETTY COOL that I’m pretending NONE OF THAT COULD HAPPEN despite the obvious mortal terror this Word doc is in. I am proud of this pile of words that may be a book someday, and it felt good to see its basic full shape for the first time. I went through a lot of ups and downs with ON HER TERMS because of losing not one but TWO editors, though ultimately the editing journey with my current editor was so wonderful it was hard not to feel like it all unfolded as it should. Still, I am excited to work with Alex again WITHOUT the stress of being abandoned by TWO PEOPLE first.*
It is spooky season which people always assume I love, because I dye my hair and wear loud patterns and am a double Scorpio, but these people are forgetting I SCARE EASILY. I am ready for post-Halloween fall season where the pumpkins don’t look scary and it’s not too hot to drink a mug of a warm beverage and all the movies they’re highlighting on Max and programming at Vidiots aren’t scary!
xoxoAmy
Read Recently
There Are Many Ways to Drink a Diet Coke - I confess that I am a purist, and I had no idea about the metal tubs at McDonald’s! I thought the taste difference was purely the slightly wider straw. (“extra crispy” is such correct wording though)
Teen Boys Skincare Routines - If I still wrote YA I would have bookmarked this one to come back to and think about A LOT. (Also, sorry, “for the hoes” is objectively hilarious.)
Trapped in the Garden with Parker Posey - Sorry on two counts: this is a six-year-old piece AND if you don’t have a New Yorker sub you can’t read it? So why am I sharing it? Look, I am nothing if not rude. Also I was doing research on celebrity profiles, and a friend suggested this as one of the best, and he is correct. So if you can read it, you should.
Consumption
Watching
I don’t believe in the concept of guilty pleasures (JUST GET COMFORTABLE ENJOYING THINGS YOU KNOW ARE NOT GOOD OR DO NOT SUIT YOUR BRAND) but I don’t even know what to call my relationship with the RHONY reboot because I have never been a Housewives person but obviously Jenna Lyons, anyway, this season there are even more lesbians (whew). Two things, even though this is not a recap newsletter and (I promise) never will be, I truly cannot think of anything more chaotic than inviting your girlfriend’s mother WHO CLEARLY DOES NOT LIKE YOU over to go through your shoes??, also I wish I had a video of my reaction to “YOU SOLD OUR BITCOIN” I may not recover.
Reading
I loved Kate Stayman-London’s Fang Fiction so much I blurbed it, OK? If you like fandom and fanfic and vampire shows/novels, this is for you. If you like a nuanced way to explore the aftermath of trauma, this is for you. If you just like sharp and funny and a little scary but not really after all I am a baby, this is for you. Basically I adored this book and I think PROBABLY you will too, no matter your vibe, it’s kinda got something for everyone.
Owning
I am really realizing the value of physical media lately, and actually owning things instead of hoping that they stay on Spotify or Netflix or Max forever. Late the other night I decided I wanted to watch TAR (sorry I don’t know how to do an accent mark on Substack and I will not learn) and apparently it had been taken off of Peacock where I had gotten very comfortable knowing it was whenever I needed it. Anyway my little stack of Blu-rays and 4ks and my giant stack of vinyl are both piling up lately and I feel good and safe about it!
Wearing
I have approximately one million pairs of Converse, which I love except that the non-platforms or -lug soles are the least supportive shoes in the world. But recently I got a couple pairs of their All Star Star Player 76 shoes and discovered they have built in (REMOVABLE) insoles (that I plan on trying in all my other Converse as well). Bonus that there are some styles on sale on Converse’s site right now!
On Her Terms
ON HER TERMS is out February 25, and I could not be more excited. I am truly so proud of this book. I think it is legit the funniest thing I’ve ever written. Also I got to talk about a lot of things that matter to me, like bisexuality and weird family stuff and of course the beauty of friendships that refill your soul. And cute pets!!!!! I hope you like it too!
EXCLUSIVE STICKER DETAILS: if you preorder ON HER TERMS from Skylight Books, you will receive this sticker sheet featuring the pets of ON HER TERMS, Fernando and Small Jesse Pinkman.
Fresh off breaking up with her boyfriend and swerving away from the conventional, TikTok-ready married life she never wanted, Clementine is ready to explore the alternatives. Not that she wants to be single forever, much less die alone. But at thirty-six, it’s time for her to experience new things—including in her love life. And though an invitation to a fake relationship to appease family sounds like a recipe for disaster, Clem finds herself agreeing to the ruse with smart, spirited dog groomer Chloe Lee anyway . . .
Chloe is long past her own baby gay era, but even before they’ve tackled Clem’s parents’ anniversary party and Chloe’s friends’ wedding, the two of them end up spending a lot of time together. As the attraction between them grows stronger, it all begins to feel very real to Clem. Chloe, however, is fine as just friends—plus she’s convinced Clem is just eager for “someone” to take her off the singles list. How to persuade her otherwise? After all, Clem is starting to realize her life is wonderfully full and being “alone” doesn’t scare her a bit. Still, being without the tiny powerhouse that is Chloe, specifically is a whole other story . . .
Wise, witty, and full of heart, this is an uplifting love story about being true to yourself and your desires, even if it means plunging into uncharted territory.
“On Her Terms is a delightfully funny and tender ode to second chances, all the romantic feels, and finding—and loving—yourself at every stage in life. A bright jewel of a romance.”—Ashley Herring Blake, bestselling author of Delilah Green Doesn’t Care
“Nobody look at me while I'm reading an Amy Spalding book because I'm worried I have the cheesiest grin on my face the whole time! On Her Terms is so funny but also disconcertingly relatable if you happen to be a queer person still figuring out your own queerness later in life. I loved watching Chloe and Clementine banter and flirt and eventually admit to themselves that what they were pretending was fake was actually very, very real.”—Alicia Thompson, USA Today bestselling author of With Love, from Cold World
“I adore all of Amy Spalding’s books and On Her Terms is no exception. I related so much to Clementine’s story, and I think so many other people will too. This book is about coming out and coming into your own later in life, finding the courage to do what you want, instead of what’s expected of you, and, of course, falling deeply and gloriously in love.”—Jasmine Guillory, New York Times bestselling author
“Amy Spalding continues her takeover of gay LA! On Her Terms is another sexy, smart addition to her interconnected tales of queer women in Hollywood and their misadventures in love, work, and life. I loved watching another of Amy's expertly drawn, quirky, self-aware heroines embrace the potential in her work, her friendships, and, ultimately, herself — on the road to falling for her dream girl. Cheers, queers — Amy Spalding is for us!”—Mackenzi Lee, New York Times bestselling author
“On Her Terms might be my favorite Amy Spalding book yet—probably because it’s the steamiest yet! I related so hard to Clementine’s desire not to follow the expected steps of life, like marriage and kids and relegating friendship to a lower status once those big-ticket items have been achieved. I also think this book will be so affirming for all the bi babes who have ever questioned their place in the LGBTQ community—the B is there for a reason!!”—Celia Laskey, author of So Happy for You
*Publishing is a business and technically no one abandoned me but tell me that when I’m not weeping OK!!!!
Yes WHERE is fall??? I’m tired of hotaumn and ready for sweater weather. Also….is Yelp not a thing anymore? Did I miss the memo on that one???